August 21, 2010:  Four years ago began the most devastating time of our lives when Terry took his own life in the grip of a profound and devastating depression.  I was shattered, I didn’t know who I was and I thought I would never be able to put the pieces back together again. I sometimes wondered how I would survive the pain of losing him, if I would ever feel joy again.

However, life goes on regardless and slowly, oh so slowly, I began to put the pieces back together and re-engage with life.  It was a painful, often confusing journey. Each day brought new experiences and memories. This did not stop the grief, the feeling of being shattered or the missing, but it layered those memories and feelings with new, often happier ones. And my new self began to emerge and take shape. Some pieces of my old self are probably lost forever; some got misplaced but eventually have found a place where they fit; and some new pieces have been added.

August 21, 2014  This year Michael and I spent a quiet, sad day remembering Terry. I got a wonderful gift of an email from a young man who used to game with him which I will post separately. It was a beautiful gift.

On Friday August 22 we drove to Vancouver to spend the w/end with our daughter, Jen, our good friends, Pat & Kim and Asti (Jen’s best friend and our much loved ‘adopted’ daughter) and her beautiful son, Dash who flew up from California (we missed you Rob). On Saturday Pat & Kim hosted a wonderful pot luck birthday party for Jen attended my many good friends. On Sunday we went to see a fantastic play in the afternoon in downtown Vancouver (Asti & Dash went swimming); then out for a wonderful dinner. And on Monday Jen, Asti, Dash and I went out for breakfast and then to the aquarium – it was magical and Dash adored it. Later that day, Asti and Dash flew back to California.  Over these days I was very conscious each day of what had happened on that day 4 years ago and had moments of deep sadness and grief. Yet this year we built some joyful, magical memories too and I am so very, very grateful.

We humans are amazingly resilient and there is always hope. We can experience many, often conflicting emotions at the same time – that is the wonder of life.  Terry will always be the undercurrent in my heart, not always obvious to the world. Sometimes, not even so obvious to me, but he gently flows throughout my life, ever-present, always missed. I will always be Terry’s bereaved mum, but today I also feel happy and at peace.

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